Jeju

Day 1: Typically, when we leave Busan the next morning, it’s a gorgeous sunny day. We have an early flight to Jeju Island off the south coast of Korea. We pick up the hire car at the airport, a Hyundai surprise surprise, and drive from the airport in the North to Seogwipo in the South where we’re staying. The island measures 40 miles from east to west and 16 miles from north to south. Although given the speed limit is on average 50km per hour, it takes longer than you think to get anywhere. Especially as there’s a speed bump practically every 100 metres, which the annoying sat nav lady in the car constantly warns me about! It seems nobody respects the limit though, and I see no police or obvious cameras. I may be going home to several speeding fines…

The first thing you notice when you get to the island is the massive mountain that sits slap bang in the middle, Mount Halla, the tallest mountain in South Korea at 1945 metres. I can’t wait to climb it (I’m sure Greg is saying “that’s what she said” at this moment). 

We arrive at our hotel about an hour later, and its luxury compared to where we’ve been staying so far, with two king size beds and a big balcony overlooking the harbour. We dump our stuff and head for a quick salad and beer at MayB cafe nearby, where there is an oddly shaved cat dressed in a jumper. Then we check out the two waterfalls within walking distance nearby. 

For dinner it’s Black Pork BBQ. The black pig is native to the island and is considered premium over the other mainland breeds. At first glance, the cut appears to have a larger ratio of fat to lean meat. But after a few minutes on the grill, the fat softens and the result is delicious! And the good thing is they cook it all for you. The one thing I will say about the Korean BBQ experience is that I cannae be arsed with all these sides they give you. So many variations of kimchi, salads, and other fermented shit that I could’ve even name. I don’t need any of that darlin, just chuck another belly on the barbie thanks. 

After dinner we check out Jeju Beer Fountain bar. It’s busy and has a good atmosphere, as well as some really interesting beers on tap. I try two fairly strong ones, and they give us a free bowl of chips with our first order which a is a nice little bonus. 

Day 2: We hop in the car to check out the West side of the island. This starts with a quick photo stop at Daepo Jusangjeolli Cliff, a volcanic rock formation. Jeju is a volcanic island, with mount Halla being an extinct volcano. Much like the Law Hill in Dundee, but far more impressive, and free of junkies. It’s then a short drive to the scenic 4km coastal trail at Songaksan mountain. The coastline and the scenery reminded me of parts of Scotland, the only difference being that there’s sun here and it’s pure roastin.

After tiring ourselves out, it’s time for an afternoon on the beach. We drive to Hyeopjae, one of the nicest on the island. It was far more beautiful than I was expecting with crystal clear beautiful blue water. We pick a secluded spot surrounded by rocks with our own little private access into the water. We enjoy the tranquility for about 20 minutes before a busload of young Korean teen boys descend on us like a swarm of ants, screaming, shouting and wrestling for the best part of an hour. When they finally leave, they’re very swiftly replaced by a busload of shrieking teenage girls. Who I would’ve hated just as much had they not stopped to tell me I was beautiful. 

We pack our things and head to a quieter side of the beach where we relax and read our books until it’s time to drive to the viewpoint for sunset. A drone seems to follow us about the whole time and I get annoyed, until the owner approaches us later that evening to show us some lovely candid photos he took of us and asks for our emails to send them to.

After sunset we drive to another black pork bbq place with really good reviews. The beauty of having a car here is the ability to get to places that would otherwise be pretty inaccessible. Having a car here is essential, I’m not sure how you’d do it other than by joining organised day trips where you’re marched around like sheep with no control over how you spend your time. 

Day 3: The next morning we’re up at 6am for the big hike. Luckily Rachel clocked at dinner the night before that we needed to book an entrance time to climb the mountain. I’ve never heard the like before. Everything is sold out on the route we want, except the starting slot of between 5am - 8am. So we book it and rock up at 7:59. There are several routes up the mountain, and we chose the hardest one. No pain no gain. The main draw of the Gwaneumsa route is that is has the best views. The cons are listed as being extremely difficult, with steps the whole way as opposed to the other which is more gradual. For me this is more of a positive, I much prefer steps than slopes. 

It’s a 12 mile route, and it’s out and back the same path. The hike up is tough going, especially the last quarter. They weren’t wrong about it being entirely steps the whole way. Basically the equivalent of 3.5 hours on the stair master at the gym (usually I can only last 20 mins max!) It’s pretty impressive the engineering that must’ve gone into constructing the trail. To start it’s mainly rocks and wooden planks, but then it’s full on wooden staircases which they’ve built into the mountain. The views on the way up are great, lots of green forest. But the top was an anti-climax. I was expecting the crater lake to be bigger and more breathtaking, but I’ve seen puddles in Scotland bigger than that. Plus it was absolutely mobbed up there, with a queue as far as your eye could see to take a photo with the sign. 

The trek down is, as always, more painful than the hike up. Steps the whole way down aren’t great for the old knees! By the time we get to the car we’re suitably knackered. That evening, we visit the local market and share a black pork bread bun, which is very delicious, and also some guilt-free fried chicken. Rachel heads to bed at this point, so I check out Bar Musk cocktail bar and order a Jeju martini, which is served with fruit loops as a bar snack. Bizarre, but I’m here for it. 

Day 4: For our final day we head East, starting with a visit to Bijarim forest, which turned out to be our favourite place that day. It’s home to around 3,000 nutmeg trees, some as old as 800 years old. The only thing you hear is the sound of birds.  Very peaceful.

Next it’s back in the car to Seongsan-ri, which is famous for the women divers. Haenyeo, or "women of the sea," are female free divers known for their unique tradition of diving to harvest seafood without the use of oxygen tanks. They typically hold their breath for up to 3 minutes at a time.  98% of them are over the age of 50. They do a “show” at 2pm, which involves them singing a song and doing a “dance”. They then head into the water and you can watch them swim around the bay for 5 minutes. At least they didn’t charge for it! 

For lunch we stop at Korean Soul Food, a tiny little place run by an old Korean lady, and her husband who is sleeping on the sofa infront of the TV beside our table. Jeju is obviously famous for its seafood but I can’t bring myself to eat it. Give me a nice bit of grilled fish and I’d be happy, but not your weird and wonderful sea urchins, sea snails and octopi please. I never understand when people say something tastes like the sea like it’s a good thing. A mouthful of sea water is rank. Rachel is braver than me and orders the seafood tteokbokki while I have the black pork sushi rolls served with a delicious orange dipping sauce.

On the way back to our hotel we stop at Seongeup folk village. We needn’t have bothered. It’s an ancient village with lots of thatched buildings which is completely desolate. Hardly another tourist in sight, which is no surprise given how utterly shit it is. 

For our last dinner in Jeju, there was only ever one choice! Black pork baby. We head to a spot recommended by a local guy in the street and the pork was delicious. The fat on the meat is next level. I’m basically on the keto diet at this point. Not a carb in sight. A pillar of health. 

It was nice to get away from the big cities and see an entirely different side of South Korea. Now it’s back to Seoul for one last day and night before returning home. 

Busan

Day 1

The Hanok guesthouse quickly went from cute to fucking uncomfortable. I knew as soon as I lay down that I wouldn’t be getting a good night sleep. I tossed and turned on the hard floor until around 3/4am when I finally fell asleep, only to be woken by the alarm at 7am. 

The sweet old lady serves us a tray of breakfast in our room before we catch our bus to Busan, not to be confused with the train to Busan, which is full of zombies. We dump our bags and then head to Biff Square in the Nampo district to have some street food for lunch. We share some dumplings and sushi rolls then have a stroll through the fish market, which is pretty fucking rank, cause it stinks of fish. Funny enough. 

From there we hoof it up a big hill to Gamcheon culture village. Refugees settled here during the Korean War. Since then, students, artists, and residents decorated the village with murals, and the town grew into a tourist attraction. It’s been nicknamed “Korea’s Santorini” and the “Machu Picchu” of Busan. In no way does it remotely resemble either of those places! Although Rachel and I both agree that it’s very similar to Comuna 13 in Medellin. 

That evening we head to Wildcat brewery for some beers and fried chicken. Hands down the best fried chicken I’ve had in my life. Juicy, succulent, moist. Everything you want your chicken to be. It was coated in a sticky honey dressing with some sort of cheese sticks, plus fries and sauces. I’m drooling just writing about it. Afterwards we head to Thursday Party pub, with it being Thursday and all. The atmosphere is a bit flat so we have a few games of darts and then head to bed.

Day 2

We’re up early to secure our tickets for the sky capsule, which is a scenic coastal railway which runs between two beaches. Our slot is for 1230 so we stop for a quick pastry at Liberta (the egg tart was simply sublime) and then we check out Haedong Yonggungsa temple on the coastline. It’s pretty rammed with tourists so we snap our photos and make a quick exit. 

The sky capsule is cute, and the views along the coast and Haeundae beach are nice, although I’m sure it would’ve been far more scenic on a sunny day. Sadly we’ve been very unlucky with the weather in Busan, and it’s been grey and overcast the whole time we’ve been here. It’s definitely not beach weather, so we head to the local street food market to eat some more dumplings. For dessert we share a hotteok, which is like a deep fried pancake filled with seeds and honey. Calorific, but absolutely delicious.

That evening we head to Heuksoe Korean bbq in Seomyeon. This was my second bbq experience, the first being the food tour in Seoul. This one was hands down the best so far. We ordered the mixed beef platter which came with a sweet, sticky sauce for dipping. The quality of the meat was amazing, especially for the price of £15pp! Korean food is so cheap, we’re barely spending any money. 

After eating, we realise we’re next door to Thursday Party bar, not having realised there’s more than one branch in the area. This is the one we were supposed to go to last night as it has a much better atmosphere than the other one. We see a lot of the same faces, in particular a group of three Americans. You can spot an American a mile off - backwards baseball cap, tank tops, straight for the beer pong table. We couldn’t figure out the dynamic initially as it was a guy in his 50s plus two really young guys. I originally thought a sugar daddy and his twinks, but we got chatting to them that night and realised it was a father and son and his best friend. They were lovely though, and we ended up sitting and chatting with them most of the night. When they left we were joined by a guy from
Birmingham and a Danish guy. It turned out to be a great pub for meeting fellow travellers, as well as local Korean girls who I think mainly go there to pull a foreigner. I think it was about 1 or 2 by the time we got back to the hotel.

Day 3

The next day the weather is miserable, and the rain has started. Which means all the other plans we had, such as the coastal walk, went out the window. Instead we each decided to do our own thing. That’s the great thing about travelling with Rachel, she’s similar to me in that she often travels alone and likes her own company and doesn’t want to be joined at the hip the whole time. Obviously she’s gonna be reading this blog, so I can only say nice things anyway! She decided to have a pedicure and then spend the day at Spa Land, which is exactly as it sounds. A massive spa complex with over 10 different types of saunas ands baths. Originally I was going to go with her until I discovered that to access all the good areas, you need to be stark bollock naked. Perhaps in a room full of strangers I wouldn’t mind, but going with your friend and being totally naked while awkwardly talking about the weather didn’t sound too appealing! 

I decide to book a Korean massage after breakfast, which turns out to be nothing like I expected. I was made to change into shorts and tshirt and was then poked and prodded for an hour. It wasn’t unpleasant, but it wasn’t the nice relaxing oil massage I’d been hoping for. So I immediately find the nearest Thai spa and book in for a 40 minute back massage, and boy was I glad I did as it was one of the best I’ve had in my life! 

Suitably relaxed, I head to Bonjeon for lunch. It’s a popular spot with locals specialising in dwaeji gukbap, which is pork soup with rice. When I arrive there’s already a queue, but luckily it moves quickly. The pork broth is served with a whole bunch of accompaniments such as leeks, shrimp paste and gochujang and you add whatever you want to taste. On it’s own, it’s a little bland, but as soon as you add the chilli and shrimp paste it turns into this orange bowl of spicy goodness. Absolutely delicious, and only £5!

After lunch it’s time for coffee and dessert at Strut. The flat white here is the best I’ve had since I arrived, and their egg tart is insane. I honestly think they give Portugal a run for their money! From there it’s a trip to Olive Young, a famous health and beauty chain here in Korea. They’re on every street across the country, and they’re always absolutely packed with people. Koreans have such beautiful skin so it’s hard not to spend a good £100 on face creams and serums to take home in my quest for eternal youth. 

With Rachel still at the spa, I make my way to Gwangali Beach where they have a drone light show every Saturday. I wait patiently for it to start at 8, which comes and goes.   Usually things here are so efficient, so I go on the website to find out it’s been cancelled tonight due to the wind. Can’t catch a break!

I think we’d have enjoyed Busan more if the weather was better. Overall, we didn’t love it as much as Seoul. I thought it fell a little tackier. But it’s still a cool place, with some amazing food!I 

Next stop, Jeju Island....

Jeonju

The day starts with the most luxurious bus trip I think I’ve ever had. Huge reclining leather seats, wireless phone chargers, wifi, TV, privacy curtains. Makes the 2.5 hour journey to Jeonju very pleasant. The transport system in general here is great. Easy, efficient, clean and cheap. The business class bus only cost us £12. Don’t even think you can get a megabus to Glasgow for that price these days. 

 

We instantly fall in love with Jeonju when we arrive. The heritage village is very cute, with lots of traditional houses, shops and cafes. We’re staying in a Hanok guesthouse, a traditional wooden Korean home where you sleep on the floor. The owner is a sweet little lady who doesn’t speak any English, so we communicate through google translate. Isn’t technology wonderful. Pretty handy too, as it transpires that next to nobody in this village speaks any English. Mainly a generational thing though, as many of the young ones do. 

 

Rachel is keen to try on the traditional hanok style dresses. I did at first think it might be a bit of a cultural appropriation, but then almost everyone is wandering the streets wearing them, both tourists and Koreans alike. In for a penny in for a pound. We hire dresses for two hours and spend the afternoon sauntering around the village taking hilarious photos of each other. I feel and look like an 11 year old girl and like I’ve walked straight off the set of Bridgerton. They’re not in the least bit flattering, but the good thing is they puff out from the chest down, so they hide our bloated rice bellies.  

 

At one point we walk past an old Korean man who seems to offer a professional photography service. He insists on taking lots of photos of us with my phone, getting us to pose in all sorts of strange positions, even holding hands and gazing into each others eyes at one point. It felt like a wedding shoot. Perhaps he thought we were a couple. This went on for a good 10 minutes, and we were worried at the end he’d stick out his hand and ask for us £100. But the culture here isn’t like that at all. People here are just really friendly. And it’s actually considered rude to tip. A culture I can get on board with! 

 

After two hours, we’re sweating like whores because its super hot and humid and we’re covered head to toe in cheap synthetic fabric. So, after stopping for a swift beer, we hand back our gowns and head for a shower and a change before dinner. 

 

Jeonju is the birth-place of bibimbap, a rice dish with sauteed vegetables, beef and gochujang chili paste, which you mix together. We head to Hankook Jib to try it, a restaurant that was opened in 1952 and has upheld its tradition for three generations. The bibimbap is very tasty, but the star of the show is the bulgogi – marinated slices of beef with soy, sesame oil, garlic and ginger. We end up pouring it into our rice bowls, which I’m sure is heavily frowned upon! 

 

After dinner, it’s time for dessert. The speciality in Jeonju is the chocopie which consists of two layers of sponge cake with creamy marshmallow-like filling. They have various different flavours – I went fort the caramel one and the cream cheese.  

 

There’s not too much atmosphere in the evening as it’s a very quiet village, so we head to the 7-11 to buy some cans of beer and then sit on the porch of our guesthouse enjoying the peace and quiet after a hectic few days in Seoul. 

 

Next stop, Busan… 

Seoul

Day 1: Thanks to Qatar, my journey was smooth and hassle free. Apart from the flight attendant who woke me up at 230am asking me if I wanted brunch. No I fucking do not woman, and thanks for disturbing my sleep. 

The airport is miles outside of the city and about an hour on the metro. The old man next to me on the train tries to engage in conversation, although he speaks no word of English. I’m pretty sure he asks me where I’m from, and when it’s clear I don’t understand, he starts listing all the countries he knows before I jump in and put him out of his misery. The people here though are friendly, respectful and civilised. And the best part is they couldn’t give two fucks about me, I’m just another tourist. No celebrity status here like in India. 

I arrive at my hotel in Insadong around 7pm and head straight out in search of food. The area is very cute with lots of cafes, shops and restaurants in a labyrinth of little passageways. The first thing you notice is the smell of all the freshly baked salt bread, which is like a brioche croissant. I buy three, cause I’m a fat bastard and want to try the different fillings. For dinner I head to Ikseon Banju, a fusion restaurant. I order the beef tartare with seawood crisps which was delicious. It’s then an early night to catch up on some much needed sleep. 

Day 2: I’m up early the next day for my hike at Bukhansan National park. Probably picked the best day for it too as it’s sunny and warm, around 22 degrees. The weather here is a bit all over the place and it looks to be mostly overcast for the next few days.

I’d read before coming that the Koreans love their hiking, and that was very apparent by the sheer numbers piling onto the buses to the park entrance. Here they all are, dressed for Everest base camp with their jackets, boots, hiking poles and 40 litre backpacks, and me rocking up in shorts, trainers and a tank top. The climb is relatively short distance wise, but it’s relentlessly steep the whole way. The last 0.3 kilometres is scrambling up the surface of a rock with the help of fixed ropes. You’re rewarded with amazing views over Seoul. Be prepared to wait in a very long line for a photo at the top with the flag though.  But it doesn’t count unless you touch the summit so needs must. 

I finished much earlier than planned, so I had a wander along Cheonggyecheon stream and stopped for a coffee. The coffee culture here is nuts I’ve never seen anything like it anywhere. I think there are more coffee shops than people in this city and they’re all packed. These people must be constantly off their tits on caffeine and sugar.

That evening I’d booked a Korean BBQ and fried chicken food tour. It was just me and an American girl called Jackie, and our guide Jeff who was brilliant. He very quickly introduced us to Soju which is similar to vodka and is around 20%. It tastes super smooth so you don’t realise how strong it is until its too late! We were shotting the stuff all night and got through 6 bottles between the three of us. Usually the guides don’t drink much when giving tours, but Jeff was putting it away! The food was also delicious. We tried pork skirt and pork belly with lots of yummy dipping sauces. 

As we leave the venue, Jackie casually projectile vomits in the street. I silently judge her for not being able to hold her drink. Little did I know at that point that I’d spend the early hours of the morning with my head in the toilet spewing my ringer. Never again Soju. Never again. 

The trooper that she is though, she carried onto the next venue which was fried chicken and beer, another popular Korean pastime. I was hammered by this point, so things from this moment onwards get a little patchy. We were served beer in giant pyrex jugs, which they mix with, you guessed it, soju to make a drink called somaek. LETHAL. The chicken was, I’m sure, delicious. 

Not wanting the night to end yet, we make Jeff take us to karaoke! Not that he needed much persuasion as he was having just as good a time as us. I couldn’t really tell you where it was or how long we were in there, but I can tell you that the three of us absolutely BUTCHERED a number of classics, as the video evidence shows. When I get back to the hotel, my friend Rachel is waiting in reception for me having just arrived off her flight. What a welcome for her! Me havering shite and then getting up several times in the night to vomit. 

Day 3: I am ROUGH. I can’t even keep water down this morning, so Rachel heads out to explore before I’m able to force myself out of bed to go meet her at Gyeongbokgung palace. I’ve seen a lot of temples in my time, and this one was pretty unremarkable. From there we wandered to the Hanock village which was cute, before I called it a day and headed back to my hotel for a nice long nap. I woke feeling much better, and ready for our food tour at Gwangjang market. 

We were a group of 10 people, plus our guide Jacob who looked like a K-Pop star. The indoor market has around 5,000 different stalls and we went to around 7 or 8 in total trying about 11 different foods. My favourites were the pork dumpling and the beef soup. There was only one thing which I refused to eat, which was the live octopus. I’m sure I’ve eaten way worse things on other food tours in other countries, but given I couldn’t even keep down water 5 hours previous, I decided not to risk it! I think only a few people were brave enough to give it a go in the end. Throughout the night, Jacob taught us a bunch of Korean drinking games. The drinking culture is huge here, although there’s a lot of rules and etiquette that goes along with it, such as you should never pour your own drink. After the tour we head for a beer at the 24 hour pub I found on my previous wander and then head back to our hotel for an early night, given it’s a 6am start tomorrow for the DMZ tour!

Day 4: We both feel very rough the next day. For some reason we both woke up at 2am and never managed to get back to sleep until the alarm went off at 6am. Our tour sets off at 7am and it’s a 90 minute bus ride to the first stop, a suspension bridge. The weather today is awful. Misty rain the whole day and very poor visibility. This meant when we got to the Dora observatory within the DMZ, the part where you can see into North Korea, we saw the square root of fuck all. Really disappointing given it’s the whole purpose of the visit. Instead, we watch the video on the screens showing you what you COULD be seeing on a clear day. Our guide brought binoculars, but not sure why she even bothered handing them out to us! Still, it was kind of weird knowing you were literally a few kilometres from the most isolated country in the world, and the eery weather added to the sombre mood. You half expected an army of North Koreans to emerge through the mist in a surprise attack. 

From there we visited one of the four tunnels dug by North Korea as part of a series of attempted stealth attacks. The tunnels were discovered by the South Koreans so the attempts failed, although there’s likely many more tunnels as yet undiscovered. We entered the tunnel, which is 73 metres below the ground, and you can walk the length to within a few hundred metres from North Korea, although it’s now been blocked with a concrete wall. 

When we get back to Seoul the sun is shining and its 28 degrees. Strange how the weather can be so different only 50km apart. That evening, we head to the Myeongdong district, where I sample some grilled cheese with a condensed milk dipping sauce. A heart attack on a stick, but also one of my new favourite flavour combination of foods. Several people recommended a noodle restaurant, Myeongdong Kyoja, so we headed there for dinner. The place is packed with locals, and they only have four items on the menu. They specialise in dumplings and pork noodle soup so we order both and it was absolutely delicious. But my tiny hands struggle with the chopsticks so eating becomes too much effort after a certain point.

After dinner we head to see the Nanta show. Not sure how I’d even begin to describe it so I’ll take the synopsis from the internet: “a captivating 90 minute show, the longest running in Korean history, displaying the comedic culinary attempts of four cooks under pressure”. It was random as hell, with lots of knives banging on chopping boards, cabbage cutting and kitchen utensil drumming mixed with slapstick comedy. A treat for the eyes and the ears. 

Seoul has been an absolute blast and I’ve loved the city more than I thought I would. We’ll have another full day here on the return journey, which is good as there’s still lots we’ve yet to explore! 

Next stop, the culinary food capital, Jeonju….

South Goa

Arriving at Agonda, I’m instantly happier. It’s a very small beach town with far less people. I have a little wooden hut with a terrace right on the beach overlooking the sea. A perfect spot to end my trip! Although there are 4 huts, I’m the only person there. It gets even better when I’m paid a visit by a local beach dog, who I later learn from the hotel owners is called Li Li. They tell me they feed her, but she’s skin and bones, so I head to the shop to stock up on beers and dog treats. She practically moves in after this, and spends the next few days sleeping under my sunbed. 

I spend the afternoon on my sun lounger reading my book but it’s absolutely baking. I venture into the sea to cool off, but it’s like taking a warm bath. Plus the current here can be quite strong so I decide to stick to cold showers. That evening, Li Li and I watch the sunset together. I’m feeling back to normal at this point, so I head to Agonda Serenity for a Goan fish curry and a piña colada. Delicious. 

The next morning I head to Zest cafe, as recommended by my hotel and pretty much every travel guide. It has a very hippy vibe with lots of bamboo and plants, which means I’m surrounded by yoga wankers ordering oat milk flat whites and vegan breakfasts. Sadly avocados aren’t in season, so I order the scrambled eggs with goats cheese, sundried tomatoes and spring onion and it’s divine! I end up having breakfast here every morning and making my way through the menu.  

That afternoon I jump in a tuk tuk and head to neighbouring beach, Palolem, to hang out with Chantal. It’s also a nice beach, but busier than Agonda, so I’m glad I chose the location I did. We spend the afternoon chatting and drinking beer. I then stop for a £10 full body massage on the way back to my hotel. 

For dinner I wander along the beach to Simrose. The waiter winks and clicks his tongue at me after everything I order, which I don’t love. The food, however, is pretty good. I order a typical Goan dish, chicken xacuti, which has grated coconut and a variety of spices. 

The next day I awake to a sea of cows on the beach. There are actually more cows than people in Agonda, which I don’t mind at all, until one of them decides to take a shit two feet from my lounger. They’re clever little bastards too, as I watch one of them turn my outside shower on to cool off and have a drink. That afternoon, Chantal pays me a visit and we have lunch together in Kamaya restaurant along the beach. I ordered the masala fry fish which is delicious. Obviously all the fish here is super fresh and caught that day. Just wish I had more time to try more things.

I spend some time sitting chatting to the hotel owner and manager, who are two of the loveliest people I’ve met. Dana is from Khazakstan and Pankaj from North India. They live and work 6 months in Agonda and then shut up shop and head home during monsoon season. Not a bad life, but my main concern is who feeds the dogs when they all go home??

I awake to my last day in India. I head to Zest cafe for breakfast (smoothie bowl this time), feed the dogs, and enjoy the sun. I’m ready to go home, but not ready for the cold that awaits, or the thousands of emails in my inbox.  However, in less than 3 months I’ll be back on Indian shores for a 9 day hike in Kerala!

On the plus side, my heating has been off for 3 weeks and saved me some ££. But that also means the flat will be baltic when I arrive home friday afternoon. And there’ll be no food in the house of course. Maybe I’ll order a curry…

North Goa & Panjim

My relaxing beach part of the holiday gets off to a great start when my taxi driver drops me off at my hotel which, it turns out, does not exist! It’s called the Secret Cove, but it’s so fucking secret that it’s invisible to the naked eye and none of the locals know of its existence! Cue an angry email to Agoda, a swift refund, and a hasty booking of another hotel down the road. 

In good news, alcohol here is cheap, and bars are everywhere. God knows I could use a drink right now. I plonk myself in one of the many beach bars and order a Kingfisher. I’m regretting my decision to stay two nights at Baga Beach (the party side of North Goa). It all feels a little tacky and not at all what I expected. I watch the sunset, along with the cows who all bizarrely traipse to the beach en masse to watch it too. 

That evening I meet Chantal for drinks on the beach. Baga at night is a totally different place and I instantly hate it. It’s like the Blackpool illuminations. Ridiculously loud music and flashing lights emanating from all the bars, strobe lights in the sky. It feels like I’m at a carnival. I also expected to see more foreigners but all of the tourists here are Indians. It’s back to be being famous with so many people approaching me asking where I’m from and asking for photos. I’m in no mood after the day I’ve had so I’m rather short with them. 

We manage to find a slightly quieter beach bar where we’re actually capable of having a conversation. We have a few beers, but in 80% humidity they’re warm as soon as they touch the table. We call it a night around 11 and head towards the main road past all of the clubs. It’s just a sea of people, mainly men, and so many club touts trying to tempt us in with free entry and drinks. I literally could not think of anything worse.

On my walk back to my hotel, my stomach starts to feel a bit funny. Fucking brilliant. Icing on the cake after the day I’ve had. To top it all off, the toilet flush breaks. Jesus Christ. I toss and turn with stomach cramps most of the night. I’m not even sure what caused it as I didn’t have an appetite today and all I ate was a croissant and some chips. I message the hotel owner to let him know I’ll be checking out tomorrow a day earlier than planned. I can’t stay here a minute longer. 

The next morning I head to Panjim, the capital city of Goa. I still feel like death, and feel nauseous the whole day. After a short lie down I force myself out as I’m only here for one day and would be a shame not to see the town. I last about 20 minutes before I feel like I’m going to pass out and head back to the hotel. A couple of hours later I’m feeling a bit better, so I head back out for a walk. The old part of the town, Fontainhas, is the legacy left by the Portuguese who ruled Goa for close to 450 years. Who knew. The town, now a UNESCO world heritage site, retains all the architectural from that time so there’s cute little streets with colourful colonial buildings, many now cafes and boutique hotels. Because of the Portuguese influence, there’s lots of great restaurants serving Portuguese/Goan fusion tapas, which i don’t think I have it in me to try. I was supposed to do a tapas and cocktail tour that evening, which I had to cancel. At this point I can’t even stomach a pastel de nata, so you know I must be ill!

After another lie down, I’m starting to have a bit of an appetite, which is a good sign. The only thing I think I can stomach is pasta, so I head to an Italian restaurant for a simple tomato pasta before having a very early night. Fingers crossed I’ll be back to normal tomorrow

Mumbai

My first impression of Mumbai is that it’s hot as fuck! The second thing I notice is that it’s a little more civilised (emphasis on little)! There’s notably less honking, despite the traffic. The 17 mile journey from the airport to my hotel in Colaba takes almost an hour. I guess that’s to be expected given it’s the most populated city in India, with a population of around 22 million. Nuts. Mumbai is a completely different world to New Delhi, which seems like a distant memory at this point. Everyone here is really friendly, and far more respectful. It’s a much more modern city in terms of its infrastructure, although there’s still lots of old dilapidated housing in the shadow of the massive modern skyscrapers. 

After checking into my hotel, I have a quick walk around the neighbourhood. I feel like I’ve returned to the modern world, and the locals couldn’t give two shits about me. I order an Uber to get to the general vicinity of where my dinner reservation is. Again, it’s another 40 odd minute drive just to reach it. It’s like me jumping in an Uber and heading to Glasgow for a quick bite to eat. Although that would cost me way more than £4.20, and to be fair I’d probably feel less safe there! 

As I’m early for dinner, I head to a cocktail bar across the street called Bumipura. I’m the only person in there so I sit at the bar and get chatting to the lovely barmen. I have two drinks here, one of which is one of the best cocktails of my life. It was called 

Dear Seri and consisted of pandan-infused coconut oil fat-washed gin, vodka, and Japanese sake, topped with a warm coconut rice foam with a savoury peanut rim. Wanky description taken from the menu. The two drinks costs me around £30, so similar prices to back home really. 

Dinner was at The Bombay Canteen, which does a modern twist on traditional Indian dishes. Generally the food is meant to be shared, but as I was on my own I went for the tasting menu so I could try as many dishes as possible, which at £28 was really good value! It included seabass ceviche with spicy mayo, beef tartare, chettinad prawns, pork taco, a spiced kebab, and then a chicken kurma with the best garlic naan I’ve had in my life. And to finish off, salted caramel ice cream with almonds. Plus they kept asking me if wanted second helpings of anything. I ate consistently for about 2.5 hours. My head barely touched my pillow before I was asleep that night. 

The next morning I find a cafe nearby serving flat whites. What a treat! I order a coffee and some overnight oats with dates (the masseuse told me to eat more dates in winter after all). I then meet my guide, Tanvi, at the Gateway of India to start my morning tour. Over the next 3 hours she takes me on a tour of the city including a ride on the cheapest form of transport here, the local trains. It costs about 40p for a journey. The trains, which carry 8 million people on a daily basis, have a limit of 70 passengers per carriage, but Tanvi tells me during rush hour there’s over 600 crammed in any given compartment. Horrific. The ceiling is full of handles, and obviously there’s no AC, so that’s a lot of sweaty pits in your face. 

We stop at Swati snacks, a street food restaurant popular with locals and tourists. We order a few dishes including sev puri (crispy fried discs topped with potatoes onions and tomatoes), pav baji, and dahi batata puri. The latter is probably one of the tastiest little bites I’ve ever put in my mouth - basically puris filled with yoghurt and chutneys. I could eat a million of them! 

We also visit Dhobi Ghat, the worlds largest and oldest outdoor laundry. Over 7,000 people work here, many working shifts up to 20 hours per day. They still do a lot of washing by hand in giant concrete baths, although some machines have now been installed. They wash clothes, uniforms, towels and linen from people all over Mumbai, including many hotels and restaurants. I’d given some laundry to my hotel the night before, so my pants are likely on display for all to see down there. It looks like a logistical nightmare, but each item is coded to be traced back to the respective client. Mind blowing. 

I stop for a cocktail at the Harbour Bar in the Taj Mahal Palace Hotel, the first licensed bar in India. There’s a famous cocktail here that was created when prohibition ended in 1933. Two American sailors came to the bar the day prohibition ended and asked the bartender to make them a drink. He created a drink for them, and they were asked to name it. They stood up and toasted “from the harbour since 1933”. Hardly rolls off the tongue does it lads. The poor barman spends a good few minutes giving me the spiel and making it on front of me. I’m sure he dies a little inside whenever someone orders it. It tastes just like my mum’s bahama mama cocktail, although hers is better as she’s far more liberal with the alcohol. And hers doesn’t cost me £18!

That evening I join the final street food tour of my trip. It’s just me and a Dutch woman, Chantal, who I bond with quickly over our shared despair about the lack of alcohol here. Neither of us have ever drank so little on holiday before. But it turns out we’re both heading to Goa next, so we swap numbers and agree to party together when we’re there! The tour itself has a ridiculous amount of food and I feel quite sick after it. Our guide Rishi is lovely. He tell us he lives in the slum with 3 other colleagues sharing one room. His wife and kids live a 44 hour train journey away near the border with Nepal and he sees them two or three times per year. He came to Mumbai to find work, but its too expensive for his family to live there with him. Sadly this is not an uncommon story here. 

The next morning I’m up early for my Dharavi slum tour. I wasn’t really sure what to expect from it and was a bit worried that locals would think us foreigners just come to gawk at them. But it was actually the complete opposite and was an eye-opening experience. I did the tour through Reality Tours which partner with the NGO in the slum, investing 80% of their profits back into the community. The tour is also carried out by residents of the slum, it covers a very small part, and photos are not allowed out of respect for those that live and work there. 

Here are some things I learnt:

• Spread over 500 acres, over 1 million people live in Dhavari, making it one of the most densely populated areas in the world. 
• It’s like a town within a town, as the slum has everything you’d expect to see in a local neighbourhood such as cafes, banks, barbers etc
• The slum is broken down into commercial and residential areas. There are numerous small-scale industries producing products delivered all over India and beyond, including leather production, pottery, textiles, and recycling. The slum's annual turnover is estimated to be over $1 billion.
• Salaries of workers depend on how skilled their industry is. The average monthly salary for an unskilled worker is approximately £115, and £280 for a skilled worker.
• Rent can be as high as £45-£95 per month.
• There are different levels of wealth here. Many people live inside shacks with tarps and sheetmetal for walls and the ceiling. Others live in 3 story houses. Not everyone who lives in the slum is poor, and many people choose to live here. 
• Only 30% of houses in the slums have their own toilets and showers. The majority rely on the community bathrooms run by the government, who charge 3 rupees per use (30p)
• The government supplies electricity and water for a monthly fee, although the water is only on for 3-4 hours each day so the residents have to store water in barrels.
• Dharavi has a literacy rate of 69%, making it one of the most educated slums in India
• Crime is virtually non existent given the strong sense of community 
• Although it’s been the subject of redevelopment plans for years, there’s a strong resistance from the residents who are concerned about losing their sense of community and the industries that support them. 

So it wasn’t entirely as I expected, not that I actually knew what to expect in the first place. Don’t get me wrong, it was still an attack on all my senses. Parts of the slum were quite unpleasant in terms of quantity of rubbish, damp, foul smells. But the people here seem happy, they work hard and they take pride in what they do. 90% of the people living here are employed and take no help from the government. Can’t say the same about my own country! 

After the tour I head to the Bandra neighbourhood for lunch at Veronica’s, which specialises in sandwiches. I order the prawn sandwich and one of their own brew beers, which costs me more than the workers earn in one day of hard labour. Certainly puts things in perspective. 

That evening I head to Masque restaurant for a 10 course fine dining menu which I’d booked a few weeks prior. Again, I feel like a right arsehole over-indulging on delicious food after my experience this morning. I donate the price of my meal to the charity organisation to ease my conscience slightly.
 

Overall, I actually quite enjoyed Mumbai. But I’m more than ready for a week of relaxation on the beaches of Goa!